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Hangin' by a thread   
03:53am 05/04/2008
  So....instead of the Lifehouse song "Hanging by a moment" or whatever it is I have decided to change it to "Hangin' by a thread"....This is my life right now. I don't even know where to start.

I've worked myself up so much a feel like I am about to throw up.

Let's just say I feel as if I have nothing going for me...Classes...friends...LIFE!...Classes are going decently I suppose, but there is that ONE class that could easily be classified as the most important one I am taking this semester and I am working my ass off for it and yet it it still kicking it royally. I keep having daydream nightmares that my best friend just up and decides we aren't friends anymore. Wouldn't be the first time this has happened so it doesn't feel very good. He says he is worried about me cause lately it seems that all I want to talk about are things that are bad or not going well instead of things that are going well for me. Well I don't know whats going well for me! In my opinion there is NOTHING. I currently have ten bucks in my back pocket and three in the bank. This is supposed to buy me lunch and dinner for a whole week. I tell my dad and he doesn't seem interested he just kinda shrugs it off saying he thinks I'll survive. So now when I don't eat for a week and I lose a lot of weight and people comment on it and then other people get worried that I have an eating disorder like they have before, its not like I am doing it by choice this time. So I have a dad who doesn't want to help me, oh and a brother who thinks that my dad shouldn't help me cause I don't deserve it cause I never went and visited him while he was in jail for the past 5 years of my life. My neice gets diagnosed with diabetes and now I am constantly worried about her. She doesn't understand it completely yet and it is killing me. But then again my brother barely talks to me. Cause if I don't start the conversation he will not even try to talk or communicate with me at all. Thats cool, I mean who doesn't love having family members who pretend they don't exist.

Friends...Things are going well between me and B..Umm Wood and I, things are different kinda...I don't know how to explain it. Luke and I. We don't talk. It'd be great if I'd get a response every now and then...but I don't. So, I dunno.

Recently two douche bags have rebrought up the worst eight years of my life. The eight years where all I wanted to do was die rather than go to school. These were the years that completely destroyed my confidence leaving it in shambles, these were the years that created my low self esteem. I was making progress with those areas too. I feel as if I am back to square one again.

So for those of you who know the incident my roommates depression is not rubbing/wearing off on me. I have my own issues that are causing my depression.

In short, I really can't figure out what it is that I have going for me. Apparently there is something, I have just not found it yet. Fingers crossed I don't wake up in the morning.
 
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10:18pm 12/12/2007
 
mood: crushed
Finals suck.

Was up all night last Thursday studying for my Greek Mythology final on the following Friday I got a 92% on it. I'm pissed. Ummm stayed up all night Monday night because I helped Brent do a current event/take home final Tuesday was death and yet I had to work. For some reason I can't get to bed before 5 lately. I just can't sleep. Staying up all night is second nature now.

Today I studied Math for a good portion of the day. I just took the final. 8pm-10pm. It was NOT the study guide. There was so much on it that we never knew we needed to know how to do. It was by far the hardest test I have yet to take. And I have been in Philosophy classes too so that should say something. There was a question that I am pretty sure it legit wanted me to make up random numbers 4 of them to be exact. Whatever number I wanted. And even though it wanted me to make up the numbers I couldn't get my brain to do it.

Tonight and tomorrow morning I get to study for Astronomy. I am currently taking a breather from books in general. Besides...in Astronomy I get a cheat sheet (8 1/2 by 11 piece of paper. typed if I prefer, front and back). Its nice.

I looked at the top of the neighboring building before walking home. It was pleasant.
 
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03:23pm 26/09/2007
 
mood: aggravated
This is the first time I have ever regretted not putting myself first when it comes to my schooling. Normally I am fine as long as my friends get it...but this time I focused all my attention to make sure a friend understood the astronomy and helped her all night long till like 2 and I didn't have time to help my best friend study for accounting cause it was too late, I didn't have time to study for myself...and I know, I really KNOW I could have had an A on the accounting test. I am very disappointed in myself.
 
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04:43pm 29/08/2007
  hmmm...First week of school was horrible. By far. Monday was good. I liked Monday. Back when I was unaware of the things going through my supposed best friends head. Then there was Tuesday. Tuesday will be the day I remember forever. What are you supposed to do when your best friend, the one person you always want to talk to, the only person you want to hang out with, the person who makes things easy and right again and you can talk about anything with, no longer wants anything to do with you? I have honestly tried talking to the kid and he won't have anything to do with me. Won't talk to me. I have tried getting over it. Obviously its not working. Its been over a week now. By far one of the worst periods of my life. I am just becoming more depressed and distant from everyone. I was even called out on it the other day by one of my other friends.

And then there is Professional Admission in the Spring. So my grades have to be perfect this year. And then there is work where I put in slightly over 30 hours a week even though I am not supposed to go over 30.

I hate being in my room.

I hate my phone.

Right about now, I am jealous of the girl in Coronado for having bigger balls than me.
 
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A little vent and then some catch up   
07:47pm 25/01/2007
  Apparently I can't say what I want in this thing without getting yelled at.

And so I have been thinking about it and I don't understand why you would continue reading something if it upsets you. DO NOT write me some tacky message yelling at me because you fucked up and I am still paying the price for it. DO NOT sit there and accuse me of walking around with way too much anger on my shoulders telling me that I will see how stupid I was for carrying it. You wasting 6 years of my life is not something I will get over anytime soon. But you are right about ONE thing in that fucking message. The fact that I don't give a slying fuck as to what you have done to TRY to fix your life.

So, classes have been going well. My Philo 101 course is really interesting. I enjoy it a lot, I want it to be a longer class than just 50 minutes...But it leaves me so drained that I am glad I don't have any classes after it. My english teacher is still weird. She creeps me out. It is hard to explain how so please don't ask. My math teacher is sooo slow. I don't understand. He talks slow he walks slow, everything takes forever for him to go over cause he says everything ten times ten different ways. My earth crap class (I still can't remember the whole title but I do know it has earth in it) is boring. Hardcore Russian teacher is entertaining and yet not at the same time. My Justice and Virtue class is boring! I mean, its kinda interesting and yet if I was the type of person to drop a class because I didn't enjoy it I would drop it in a heart beat. Discussions are pointless. I fucking hate going to them.

We have a new night manager at work, he is a nice guy, but he likes to run things his own way instead of just leaving things alone. I sat down for like a minute tonight and he came up to me and was like "What are you doing?" I responded with that nothing needed to be done and the coffee area was clean and no one was there. And then he made me get up and go do something. Heavens forbid.

I hung up my pictures! I am very happy I finally did it. The hat I ordered came the other day. I am happy about that too. I got a fucking stupid message from my sister yelling at me for something I said about her in one of my blogs so thats the cause that got me going on this one.

I have the song "That Thing You Do" stuck in my head. I watched Snatch. That was a good movie. I need money.

Life kinda sucks lately. I won't lie to you. I don't know what it is, but I kinda just hate it right now, I just haven't been in any set mood, just a shitty ass mixture of several together.

I am hoping that tomorrow and then this Sunday will fix that though. I am doing a "fitness class" at the rec center tomorrow and then again on Sunday. I am taking Luke (my roommate) to get his tattoo Sunday morning, and then I am doing two classes at the rec, and then going to a group meeting. Sunday will be busy busy but thats the way I like to be. Busy.
 
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I am still in shock even though I knew it would happen.   
01:35pm 02/01/2007
 
mood: shocked
He is happy now. Like my Aunt said, he is with his wife and the rest of the family and now they can have a big Italian party with a lot of wine.

I went to the movies last night and while in the movies I got a call from my mom and I was like "I am in the movies, I will call you after." Then she proceeded to call me four times and leave me two voice mails, and for some reason the thought that something bad had happened never even occured to me, normally it is one of the first things to pop into my head, but this time it didn't. So I get out of the movies and I call her and she tells me that he has taken a turn for the worse and they don't think he will make it through the night, but if by chance he did, then they were going to have him brought home and have him made comfortable like they were at the hospital last night. He got a shot of morphine (I might have spelled that wrong, but at the moment I don't care) every ten minutes to keep him relaxed. But I had the friend I was with just drop me at the hospital and I went on up. I was there for an hour before my mom and I left to go do something at his house for them. It was a joke and a half trying to get into his house. I had to jump the gate and almost had to "jimmy" the back door open. After we left the house, we went back to the hospital where my Aunt Kay greeted us with the fact that he should be leaving us really soon. But the guy is a fighter, and held on for another two and a half hours. Two of the two and a half I spent staring at the monitor watching his oxygen level and heart rate. Just like I told them in the room, Fiorucci's are built to last. We weren't meant to just give up in life. And he fought for as long as he could and I am proud. The nurse brought us his personal items and consoled my Aunt Kay, she was a very nice woman, I felt bad for her since this was the first time in two years that she has had to assist. But its her job.

I didn't really talk to anyone. We all said our goodbyes. My mom and I walked to the garage with my Aunt Kay and her husband, we all did the hug thing, and then my mom and I got into the truck and came home. When we got home I still wasn't really talkative, I saw that my blanket and pillow were on the ground still from the night before so I didn't even ask if my brother was staying the night, I didn't walk back to my room, I just took off my glasses and curled up on the floor and went to bed. By this time it was about 3ish. I just got up. I don't have it in me to do anything, go anywhere, talk to anyone.
 
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Newest and probably last blog for a while...   
01:27am 19/12/2006
  So....I came back to Phoenix yesterday, Sunday, about mid day. About thirty minutes after being home my mom and I went to the hospital to visit my grandpa and to talk with everyone else with the doctor. Yesterday he was doing good, the doctor gave us hope that he was going to be fine in the long run. I was even given a spot in the decision making which really shocked me to be honest. That sounds kinda mean, but if you knew my aunts, which I doubt you do but oh well, they like to take charge of situations and then thats that. Well before the decision making we talked to the doctor and he basically started from the beginning to clear up any misunderstandings since we had heard so much information from so many different doctors.

My grandpa went in and they thought he had like lymphoma, I probably spelled that wrong but oh well. They then thought he had cancer, and then they were still iffy thinking that he had lymphoma. They tested tissue and then they thought it was one thing while they sent out more tissue to have another hospital test it and they said that they were wrong since the first doctors tests were "inconclusive" so it was this other thing. And so they thought it was cancer and they treated him with radiation. THEN, they say they are wrong and that while the radiation helped a lot to get rid of the diseased material, they didn't think it was cancer anymore, but NOW it was a rare disease called Castleman's Disease. He was in the most severe stage and it was treatable. Okay. But then they didn't think it was Castleman's disease anymore but they couldn't test anything since they had gotten rid of the diseased tissue. So they screwed themselves.

When talking to the doctor yesterday, one person asked for his personal opinion of what he had. And he responded by saying that he thought he had cancer. Okay. I can work with it. I can cope. Its treatable. Then he asked what we wanted to do, if we wanted to do a "trak" and this is supposed to help him breathe easier or something. Or if we wanted to just make him comfortable. Well, since he gave us such HOPE we all decided that since putting in the "trak" would make him get better, well not MAKE, but you understand, we should just go with that option since he would then still be with us.

Yes, well when I went to the hospital Sunday I almost cried. He SOO did NOT want to be there that he started crying. I have never seen my grandpa cry before so it was a HUGE emotional moment in my life. Especially since he was hooked up to all the machines and he had this mask on that was giving him oxygen that HE had to breathe instead of breathing for him. I am not afraid to say it. I looked away.

But this morning, when they put it in apparently he "didn't like it" or his body didn't like it and he is now on 100% respiratory support. So my mom had to go to this little family meeting and they all did this little conference call with my dad..who is still locked away for another year..and so they could figure out the next set. Well, apparently if he is not showing improvement by Wednesday, then they are "pulling the plug"...I hate that saying...They are making him more comfortable. There we go. So I am going there tomorrow with a family friend to visit him, and then I am going again on Wednesday but NOT between 9 and 11 since my father is supposedly getting escorted there by guards so say goodbye or whatever. And I have decided that right now dealing with seeing him is not something I can handle right now. I hate him so much.

So, thats that right? I mean, they have no fucking idea what he even has, they have screwed themselves in testing any tissue. So everyone has decided that this is the best idea, he has suffered long enough, he wouldn't want to be on life support. He is not that kind of guy. He is stubborn. He is a Fiorucci.

This Christmas and Birthday will suck. Thanks.
 
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This is long. Deal with it.   
03:15am 09/12/2006
  I AM NOT DOING A LJ CUT. I AM TOO TIRED FOR IT AND I JUST PLAIN DON'T WANT TO. SO DEAL WITH IT!

Okay, so I am shooting for length on this one, but I am not so sure that I will have the heart to put into it once I start going.

Two weeks ago on the 30th, my mom calls me in the morning after my first class to inform me that my grandpa had been taken to the hospital the night before. He went in because they thought he had pneumonia, as it turns out they discovered that instead it might have been cancer of the lymph nodes. This phone call took place right before my Economics class. In which class I was about to take my third midterm. This basically brought my mind to a stand still and I could focus on the test. I guess I didn’t do so horrible, but I do believe I would have done better had I not had to get that call right then. My mom calls me back Friday and tells me that yes indeed it is cancer and that they were planning on starting the radiation the next day (Saturday). The rest of the day lags on and I don’t really talk to anyone. When something like this happens in my life I tend to just shut down and just put up the hood on my jacket and shrug away the comforting hand on my shoulder.

I got into an argument with one of my hall mates that night, over what I don’t even remember, I think it was because he wanted me to smile and be happy but I just couldn’t. And I was getting frustrated with people telling me that all day. Or asking me what’s wrong. I personally hate to be asked what’s wrong by the same person more than once in a day.

I was in this anti-social mood for two day and then Saturday comes and I have to go to work and put on my false little smile and I believe I pulled it off well. I have mastered that complicated art and can even go as far as fooling my own mother.

While at work I get like three phone calls all from family and I begin to think something is wrong. One was from my brother, who I hadn’t talked to in over a month. Mostly because he hasn’t even tried to stay in contact with me while I have been down here, this story could go on but it is so not even worth talking about. He text messaged me once in that month long break and I was so mad that I just ignored it and never thought of it again. As I have told people time and time again though, I am SO tired of always being the bigger person. I just, couldn’t bring myself to try to even call him, if he couldn’t call me then why was I supposed to call him and be a brother. But he called me and left a message, then my mom called me and left a message, and then my cousin Christine called me and left a message. My brother’s message was just him asking me to call him back. My mom’s message was her telling me she knew my brother had called me and left a message and she asked me to put my anger for him aside and call him back. Christine’s message was just her asking me to call her back. It turns out that my brother wanted to know what day would be good for him to come down and get me and he would take me to see my grandpa in the hospital. We chose Monday as a good day. Christine just wanted to know if I wanted to go up to Phoenix with her Sunday morning. I agreed even though I knew it was a lot of car riding. Family comes first.

So I went up there on Sunday and we went to my grandpa’s girlfriend’s house and my aunt Kay updated us on the details and we went to see him. He was sedated all day so he wasn’t awake. Monday he was sedated again even though they said on Sunday that he would be awake on Monday. My mom was worried about me because back when my Great Grandma Fiorucci was in the hospital and I went to see her, my mom asked me before going into the room if I was okay and I told her “yea I’m fine.” But then when I went into the room I apparently broke down and started crying for the first time since hearing the news of her being in the hospital. So when my mom asked me if I was okay and I responded that I was fine she wasn’t really convinced.

Scary part is, the situation has hit me. Really it has. And yet, I still haven’t cried yet. I feel like I am not human or something. I have forced myself to sit down or lie down and really think on this situation, and yet there were no tears. I can’t figure this part out.

As a friend I feel that a friend needs to be there for his/her friends no matter what. So, even though I have this problem, I am able to put it aside and help my friend deal with her issues…I don’t like talking about my problems with people. When I do they tend to worry and I don’t like it when people worry about me. Either that or they begin to feel sympathy for me. And I can’t stand it when people show me false sympathy.

While with my brother in Phoenix on Monday I was also with his girlfriend. My brother was talking to my grandpa as he laid there on the bed and he mentioned my sister. About how she planned on coming home for Madison’s (my niece) birthday in January. And I made a grunting noise. Just like I normally do when my sister is brought up and my brother’s girlfriend honestly tried to tell me that Amanda (my sister) is my sister and I had to love her. Fuck that shit. Although she may have helped me to be the way I am today by screwing up her life, she also took mine with it. I was put into the situation of helping to raise her child. It kinda forced me grow up a lot faster than I was supposed to. I had no personal life for over five years. That’s always fun. Thanks Amanda! So I don’t talk to her anymore. I don’t accept the phone calls…when I was living at home I would pick up the phone and just hang it up if it was her calling. The ringing would get annoying so I didn’t mind hanging up.

So. Those are my “family issues” I went to Phoenix for if I had told you that I was leaving for family issues and you were confused.

Lately when it comes to friends there is a mixture of feelings. A little of hatred, the feeling of being used, and just confusion. Some people know this story already so if you want more details about it you can message me.

As of right now I have been up since approximately 11:45 am Thursday. I have only gotten 2 ½ hours of sleep in the span. My body isn’t so much as tired, I just can’t walk long distances or climb a lot of stairs or stand long periods of time or else my legs begin to feel like they are about to collapse.

Friday morning I finished my English final and unit III essay at about 4 am but I was so wired that I just couldn’t sleep, so at like 5:45 I went for a walk and I was taking random pictures which can be seen on my facebook. I was walking around till a little after 7. The weather was wonderful, there was a VERY LIGHT breeze that wasn’t too cold. And then when the sun began to rise I ran to Cherry Garage thinking the top floor would be high enough (not so much) and I was on the wall leaning out a little with my camera trying to get a good picture. I got a few that I am happy with to some degree. I wouldn’t doubt that the construction worker’s on the ground below me thought I was trying to commit suicide, I mean what would you think if you were standing there and then you looked up and saw a kid standing on a wall that is on top of the garage? Highly doubt the first thing that comes to mind is that “he wants a picture of the sunrise.”

And then I had to work Friday at 12:30…that was hell. I so did not want to be there at all.

I do believe that I will be going to bed shortly though. I have a family event today (Saturday) that I am attending. My cousin Simon is turning 1. It’s exciting. I cleared the memory card for my camera so I can take tons of pictures. I have more pictures of this kid than anyone else. He is so entertaining. He loves to get his picture taken and look at himself in the mirror. He is very photogenic, he will be a model.

Thank you for listening to me rant and vent!

Good night, you princes of Maine, you kings of New England.

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Release.   
04:33pm 25/09/2006
  Today I went to math at 8 in the morning and I was way tired even though I went to bed early for once.  I was having a horrible night last night and all I wanted to do was cry.  But I refuse to let myself give in to that much of a degree.  I will have to be on my death bed to cry again.  Last night all I wanted was to curl into a ball and die.  Or go take a shower and "accidently" slip.  Basically it was just not a good night.  I became very withdrawn.  And laid down at like 10.  Everyone was really surprised.  My roomate was really shocked.  I wasn't sleeping persay...more just laying there listening to music.  I didn't want to be touched.  I did wanted to be talked to.  I refused to talk to anyone.  After math I came back to my room and sat here.  I really don't think I did anything.  I wanted to nap.  But I didn't.  I know that much.  I went to astronomy and I was more tired for that class than I was for my 8er.  I was falling asleep and thats not a class I should be sleeping in.  Then I came back and I checked all my online stuff and I then napped for about an hour and then I went to start job training.  I started working at the Highland Market down the street.  I was being trained in the cafe area since it is the hardest.  And let me tell you Tiffany.  It IS hard.  I mean the people at starbucks make it look super easy but it really isn't.  There is SOO much to it.  You have to remember what you are making and then the prices and then all the stuff that goes into it.  I actually START Wednesday but I am working with the person that knows what he is doing so it will be all good.  One person taught me one way.  And then the other person came and he showed me another way.  So I was kinda confused as to how you ACTUALLY do it.  But I think it is his way since he said he worked in a coffee place.  I get free drinks as I work..and 50% off everywhere on campus...The Unions and such.  I am happy about this.  I plan on spending the night studying for my MIS (Computer clas) exam tomorrow that surprised everyone when he told us on last Thursday.  And then I have math homework.  And I have a project I am supposed to turn in tomorrow...but he gives an automatic two day extension on everything which is ridiculous and yet handy at the same time.  So I can do it tomorrow and then turn it in on Wednesday or Thursday and then retype my English essay Wednesday night.  All of this could change given the fact that I don't know what will be assigned in my other classes tomorrow or Wednesday.  But it will all get done.  No worries.  I made a cake this weekend.  Its good.  I got bored after the game and so Michelle's sister Bonnie and I made a cake.  OH!  I just remembered that the season premier of Hereos is on tonight.  8 o'clock.  I am excited for this show.  My music taste is broadening.  I have the weirdest mix on my computer right now.  I would look at it weird if it wasn't mine.  This was a nice release.  
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11:47pm 24/09/2006
  When one's best friend tells you that you are no longer best friends...and you feel as if your world is crashing around you.  Then you have my life right now.  I want to sleep forever but I will just have to wake up in the morning...life would be GREAT if it could be over now.  
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01:30am 15/09/2006
  Vinnie Wins first game of Halo 2 EVER!!  Be excited.  It will be a good day.  Or I will force the day to be good for me.  
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01:37am 01/09/2006
 
mood: hyper
<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#EEE9E9" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>Vincent Richard Fiorucci's Aliases</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#FFFAFA"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/meganamegenerator/meganame.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
Your movie star name: Granola Bars Frank

Your fashion designer name is Vincent Rome

Your socialite name is Vin-J San Franciso

Your fly girl / guy name is V Fio

Your detective name is Monkey Sunnyslope

Your barfly name is Cookies Mudslide

Your soap opera name is Richard El Camino

Your rock star name is Candy Cheetha

Your Star Wars name is Vinnes Fiobri

Your punk rock band name is The Hyper Paper Clip</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/meganamegenerator/">The Amazing Meganame Generator</a></div>
 
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09:46pm 30/08/2006
  Tonight was a night of crazyness. After days of waiting for the expected root beer floats I find that we have to work for them. It was almost like telling a little kid that in order to get the little piece of bubble gum that he would have to hand sew 50 perfect pillows. I have not yet decided if it was worth the running around in my socks. I braved the cold hard night to get that damn ice cream and I am not sure I was pleased in the end. And in the end (after being gipped of ice cream by the foolish girl handing it out) this my friends is what I get...


 
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12:12am 25/08/2006
  Ummm so its really cold in my little room and even after turning up the air I was still cold so I had to get my blanket.







 
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Picture that stupid poster of a cat hanging on to the clothes line....   
08:59pm 24/08/2006
 
mood: pissed off
A rather depressing phone call could come to you today, dear Capricorn. This might bring news of a setback in one of your projects that is only temporary, but nonetheless frustrating. You'll probably have to deal with some niggling little details you'd rather not bother with, and this could take up too much valuable time. Hang in there - you're still doing well! Don't let your frustrations get the best of you.

And yes a depressing phone call DID come today. Well it came to my attention today that I have misplaced my flash drive. Um..Its gone. It wasn't even opened! It was a beautiful 2gb flash drive. My mom bought it for me since I was gonna have to buy Microsoft Office. So she paid for the $74ish flash drive. I have searched my room upside down and I had my cousin search her car. Its not here anymore. I don't know where it went. I am really really mad about it though. So mad that my hand is shaking. Normally this wouldn't be a very good sign. And since it was something that I kinda needed and really liked...I am scared to touch my phone. Anything that isn't basically tied down since I am worried that I might throw it. And that would just cause more issues.

Day One went awesome with two classes (Math at 8 and then Physical Universe at 11 [Astronomy]).

Day Two was a little more intense from the previous day with four classes (Math at 8, Economic Perspective at 9:30, MIS [Computer class] at 2 [Its an adventure getting to that building...so far away], and then English at 3:30 [With the teacher that likes to curse A LOT..whatever]).

Day Three was exhausting with the ONE class all day long (Physical Universe at 11)!! I was beat!

Day Four...Well I was up late and so I over slept..but not long enough to miss any classes. Just my daily time for sitting and relaxing in the morning. I had the same schedule as I did on Day Two. But I didn't fall asleep in any of the classes today. I was let out early from most of them. I liked that. A lot actually.

The whole roommate thing is going well. We are both decently clean people so it works. Our hall smells. I get to the landing on the stairs outside the closed door and even if we didn't have the decorations on the wall I would know it was my wings door since it has a HORRIBLE smell! It smells like Chicken Top Ramen. I hate it. I went down the hall with Febreze...it lasted for like 5 minutes. I don't understand. At all. How people can smell. Do they just NOT notice it? Because if they are used to it then that is one scarey thought.

So Tuesday our Economics teacher made a Jesus joke and I do believe that my friend Aaron (Jewish friend) and I were the only ones that got it. We laughed and looked at eachother being like "Was that just a JESUS joke?!"

And then today we were talking about something dealing with resources and somebody brought up that the population of a given area could make the graph decrease or something and our teacher went off talking about how there are soo many people in Japan that are gonna die soon and that there is no Little Japanesse that can replace them. Then he went to Germany and said that by like 2050 we will have a significantly smaller amount of Grunhildas and Wolfgangs. And I laughed. Also apparently the Russian government is trying to convince the women of Russia to have more children by offering them the equivalent of $9,300 for every additional children they birthed after one. I found that interesting.

Umm...I am still mad about my flash drive.

The end.
 
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There comes a time in every man's life...   
02:00am 15/08/2006
  ...where he just has to be honest with himself. I am not trying to say I lie to myself. That would be way too easy. Instead, I just refuse to see things. Maybe? I have been asking myself a lot of "why" questions.

Why do I always have to be the bigger person? *I am tired of this*
Why? *In general*
Why the fuck am I treated the way I am? *I treat people so well*
Why can't people be honest with me for once? *If I cried everytime I was lied to then all I would have been doing for the past two weeks is crying nonstop*

And thats just a few. There are others but there is no need for them. I have tried lately to be more patient. To be more accepting. Since I can feel my fuse getting smaller and smaller everyday.

I feel like I am hyperventalating. I can't breathe very well. And deep breaths aren't doing anything for me. Um, I am tired of being snapped at over nothing. It needs to stop. Whether I say something nice or just joking-wise I get snapped at and I can't take it anymore. I am basically done. I kinda took to just not talking. All I wanted to really do was leave since A) I was getting really worked up and I was becoming upset and angry at once and thats not good for me. B) I didn't feel like I was wanted there. C) I was tired.

I have not been sleeping very well lately. I sleep for a while and I end up waking up in the morning not feeling any different than when I went to bed. Most likely since I have been going to bed angry lately.

I have been lied to. And life would be so much easier if it didn't happen. Ya know what else would make life easier? If people would actually talk to me and tell me whats going on with them.

I have been feeling more like death these days as well. Probably from my lack of sleep though. I glare more. I don't even try to be nice to people who come into work if I don't like them. So if you come in I hope I like you for your sake.

I'm sorry this is so jumpy. I have a lot to say in this but I can't put it to words so I have been saying the first thing that comes to mind.

There is so much more and its all good stuff and bad stuff but its all jumbled and I can't straighten it out at the moment so if you really care and want to know what I have been up to then you can call me or IM me or even text me. I just thought I would let people know I am not dead since I haven't blogged in a while.
 
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11:09pm 31/07/2006
 
mood: pessimistic
This is another reason why I never even try to explain how I am feeling. Another reason why I tell people I will deal with it myself. Another reason why I don't go past "I'm feeling sad tonight" or "I am really angry."

Please don't ever ask me to explain myself or how I am feeling. The truth is I never really even know how I am feeling so its hard for me to explain it to other people. In my mind my feelings are all jumbled. Thats all. One big ball of jumbled feelings where one comes to the surface every now and then making it more apparent.
 
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What I want in life.   
02:02am 30/07/2006
  I want a girl with whom I don't have to aruge with all the time over stupid little things. Someone who believes me ALL the time. Someone who will take me for who I am. My weird little moods and all. So far this doesn't seem like its happening since no one likes the moods I get in...but I don't think they realize I can't help it.  
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Just go write a letter. I don't want to hear your voice.   
12:46am 27/06/2006
 
mood: excited
As a Capricorn, verbal communication isn't always a strong suit. Working out problems with others can be challenging as a result - especially when you're really angry. Consider writing a letter to the person involved as a means to speak your mind. This alternative may prove far more comfortable and effective for you as it gives you the time you need to think about your words. Further, the recipient also has time to consider your perspective before responding. Give this a try.

My verbal communication skills are quiet strong actually. Unless I am in front of a lot of people but that is a rarity in and of itself since I don't put myself in those situations. Yes, writing something out when I am angry IS easier for me but if it is something that I KNOW then I will surely not hesitate to go write it down. This time it really is on the button but just a little off on the verbal communication skills. The only conflict I had today was when my manager basically told me that someone (he'll remain nameless) from corporate said I am not doing my job correctly. Umm...yea I am. I am the only CSR that does the job correctly! Whatever I will slow down when at work and they will see the difference and not like it. She already didn't like it with the hour that I was working after she argued with me about it.

I woke up this morning to watch the Italy v Australia game and if you care how it went message me and I shall tell you allll about it. It was the best thing ever. It set my mood for the day. It made me very euphoric all day. Then I went and took my little drug test since I was "randomly selected" and THAT was fun! Not really. It was more or less frustrating since I could NOT force myself to go to the bathroom! 20 cups of water and an hour and a half later I was able to complete the test. Not to mention the fact that all that lovely water was now through my system so I was having to go again every 10 minutes! RIDICULOUS! I got home and turned on the Ukraine v Switzerland game and saw the last I wanna say 40 minutes of it since they went into "over time" twice. My brother came home from work for his "lunch" to watch it as well. I downloaded several versions of the Italian National Anthem. One being the one on my profile. They are amazing! I like the profiled one the best since it has a techno-y beat to it. I went to work and it was boring. Since I got yelled at for like 5 minutes for about 20 things that weren't even my fault! She is stressing way to much. Yes I know she is short handed but still. Yelling at me, isn't gonna solve it. Its only gonna make ME wanna leave even more. I almost did tonight. I wanted to be like "Okay! You don't think I do my job correctly? Well here ya go! You can go do my job and your own. Have fun!" and left. But I am not like that. I am a nice person.

I was like "Rashida *my manager* since I can't be an assisstant manager *I'm moving in August so they won't let me* can I be a Shift Leader?" And she was like "No. But maybe you can help out more when I go on vacation." Haha! Yea right. Because she said that I am going to decide what day I want to be my last day in August! I wasn't able to decide before but now I am. I asked her for her advice on when my last day should be and shes like *I had my phone calendar out showing her the dates..I am going down to Tucson on the 18th, a Friday* and she said that she thinks my last day should be the 17th! HAHA! No way. Sorry. The power went out at work Sunday for like 2 hours. It was boring.

What a productive day. Woke up watched soccer...Took a drug test...Watched more soccer...Downloaded a cd...Went to work. Oh what an exciting life I live.
 
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10:48am 26/06/2006
 
mood: euphoric
Ummmm Italy won their match against Australia today... 1-0

0-0 and then with 3 minutes added on for stopage time in the second half 1 second left of the 3 minutes and we TOTALLY FAKED a foul the ref gives a penalty kick and Totti takes it the australian goalie has NOTHING ON ITALY!!!! WE WON!! 1-0 nothing Australia could do about it! WE WERE EVEN DOWN TO 10 GUYS since the ref red carded Materazzi!!!!!

I don't think you completely understand how exciting this is for me.
 
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